What happened to you?

When somebody shows up angry, what’s the first question you ask?

Most people go straight to it. What’s wrong with her? Why is he so aggressive? Why is she like that? And once you ask what’s wrong with somebody, you’ve already decided something about them.

Back up. Ask a different question. What happened to that person?

What have they experienced? What’s their belief system? What has the road been like to get them to this room, this day, this mood? Because I promise you, nobody wakes up aggressive for no reason. Something happened. Maybe a long time ago. Maybe this morning.

I’ve had people tell me there are no good men in the world. None. People who’ve been abused and who had every reason to believe it. And I don’t argue with them. I ask them what happened. And after a while, after I’ve listened all the way through, something shifts. They’ll say, man, you’re one of the good ones. And I get to say, I also had a mentor who was one of the good ones. He changed my life. Let me tell you about him.

That’s how trust gets rebuilt. Not by telling somebody they’re wrong about the world. By showing them that the world is bigger than what happened to them.

This works at the kitchen table. It works in a boardroom. It works on the street in 49507. It works with your kid.

Before you decide what’s wrong with somebody, ask what happened to them. Then listen. Really listen.

You’ll be surprised how often the answer changes the person in front of you. And how often it changes you.